Avoiding My Emotions

If you know me then you know I am not a very emotional person. It really takes a lot for me to cry and usually its out of frustration or exhaustion. But occasionally something will strike a cord and let the water pour. 

I have a hard time sharing or showing that emotional side anyway because I really feel like its coming from a very intimate and vulnerable place. I will fight it. I know I shouldn't but I cant help it. I know it hardens my heart but I also don't want anyone feeling bad for me or saying, "awwwwl." 

So I avoid certain things in life that I know will put me into that undesired vulnerable position of crying my eyes out. But some things blind-side you out of no where! Bridge to Terabithia was one of those things... and so was this;

After a long day, we come home pretty late and Adia doesn't want to sleep alone in her room. Big surprise. So I decided to read her a book. As a parent you know that if you read 'that book' one more time your gunna pull your hair out. So I search for one I haven't read yet, for the sake of my sanity. 

And what I find is this; Love You Forever

So if you have read this- you know where this is going. Unfortunately, I had no idea how sad this book is. I am already avoiding anything to do with children growing into adults because its such an emotional trigger for me. So what are the odds that I choose this book!? 

Adia must think I am crazy after uncontrollably sobbing as I am  trying to read the words. Meanwhile, I'm disparately trying to whisper because I don't want the husband to freak out on me and think something horrible happened. 

Anyway I'm not gunna give it all away but READERS BEWARE! Its a tearjerker! 


FYI for those of you still listening this book has made it to my 'list'

Running Low on Excuses

As I see my Hawaiian sun kissed skin fade back into vampire white, I realize how long it has been since I have lost weight. I had a goal, Hawaii, and that has come and gone... I am only half way through my journey and I had a feeling I'd get stuck here.

I have a lot of legit excuses as to why I didn't continue the race;

1.) We had to cancel the gym membership
2.) It's been bad weather
3.) The kid has been sleeping in my "dvd work out area" due to lack of a bed
4.) We've had to eat what we have which isn't fresh or healthy
5.) My head and heart just haven't been in it because of these factors

But recently I am running low on excuses as my problems are being solved;

1.) I got a job where I can workout before work 3 days a week
2.) The weather is getting better
3.) A friend gave us a toddler bed
4.) My grandma has been buying us groceries every week
5.) My problems are now solved- sure not the way I would have wanted or expected but I really have no more excuses...

So what is holding me back?

I have allowed myself to get comfortable with a lazy routine where I don't work out and I eat like crap- thus I feel like crap and I feel lazy

I really just need to get my head in the game and do the hard thing- jump in the cold water and swim till I like it! Then hopefully get to the point where I don't want to get out!

This is about establishing good habits- Healthy life habits 

My New Blog!

I started a blog to inspire myself to stay passionate and excited about all the elements in my life. I look back and see that I stopped blogging and realized I wasn't inspired. 


I really had not talked about it until my last post so if you don't know me you wouldn't have a clue- but I think it's safe to say that I am a very creative person and I really can't function without creative inspiration. 


My blog was so boring and uninspiring for me. My good friend has a blog that I love and so inspires... I asked her if she could help me with mine as I can create it but can't change it. So she helped change my blog set up and here we have it! 


I LOVE IT!!! I created everything with Adobe Photoshop and my friend put it all together for me! Yay! Now I feel truly inspired to blog and to stay excited about it!

Midnight Art

Everyone who knows me knows I don't sleep at night. I feel like it's because my brain is running a marathon and is determined to finish. Usually my late nights consist of art. All types of art. Since I was in Jr. High I have kept a file of all my pieces and entitled my work Midnight Art.

It's weird to say that I am an artist because I am not well-known nor have I yet to sell any of the work I have done. Like any other artist I usually love the piece so much that I begin to hate it. Which is probably why I don't post pictures. But I want to expand my horizons and art is such a vital part of who I am, this ardent heart...

So here is my latest finished project...

 I am throwing my dear friend a baby shower and I made the invitations in photoshop. They printed out wonderfully! 

I also painted this with watercolors and a ball-point pen edging with my blog in mind- although this isn't the direction I will go I was kind of inspired by it to do something else

Humility

humble 

1. Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.
2. Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.
3. Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage.
   
   
   There are a lot of definitions for this word. But which is the definition that matters? God's or man's? Obviously... but what comes easy to believe in our day-to-day lives?
   I believe that God wants me to humble myself yet be confident. Is that even possible? 
   If I humble me or 'my flesh' and I have faith and confidence in God, it is possible. The Holy Spirit resides in me, giving me a humble confidence. If I am confident with my-SELF... It's something entirely different. It's SELF-seeking and SELFish. 
   Someone told me today that 'as Christians it's ok, it's good, to be self-seeking'... What!? I wanted to ask if they read their bible but it really was not an appropriate setting for a debate. Christian means 'little Christ' or 'Christ-like'. Jesus Christ literally died for us to live eternally. If a Christian saying 'it's good to be SELF-seeking' is not the greatest oxymoron then I don't know what is. 
   If you know 'the word' well then you know that God desires for us to DIE to our-SELFs.  What part of 'SELF-seeking' strikes you as a death sentence? If I am seeking with myself in mind then I defiantly am not looking for death- unless I'm suicidal. I'm seeking things that make ME feel good. Because if I am SELF-seeking its really about me and my will and not Gods.
   So the conclusion is simple. To be humble doesn't mean God wants you to let yourself get walked all over because you're worthless- What He desires is for us to humble our flesh and be confident in Spirit. If we allow His Spirit to guide us then we can't go wrong.

Pride

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.


God has been showing me since I first became saved- how absolutely self-absorbed I am. Growing up, I dreamed of becoming an actress. At first, it was because of all the costumes and pretending. There were so many things I wanted to be, so I figured acting would be the perfect way to be all of them. Then as I got older, I wanted the spotlight and attention. 


Once I decided to seriously live for God, I had to leave everything worldly behind. I knew God was asking me to give up my dream and to follow Him. So I did. I still think about it though- I hate that. I think about how if I would have continued on my path... I would have been great at it. I think this when I become stagnant in my walk. Ultimately, I trust God has better plans.


I am the type of person who hates competition. I feel like if I know I won't win (or highly succeed) what's the point of trying. I am so 'all or nothing' in this way. There are many things I am ok at, many things I suck at, and few things I am great at. Yet even the things I do best, don't even compare to a lot of talent out there. So discouraging. 


Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to be the absolute best or nothing at all? God knew. He knows I have issues with pride. If I had become an actress I would be so arrogant. Especially if I were great at it. The irony is that arrogant people irritate me the most.


Learning this about myself so early in my walk really helped to prepare me for the years to come. But like everyone else, I am human and a sinner and I like to repeat history. So to be proactive: I would make sure I gave God the glory when someone complemented something I did. To the point of annoyance... but it helped engrave into my brain 'it's not me it's Him'- and kept me from getting to prideful. 


Everyone wants acknowledgment. Everyone wants to feel loved and feel that their existence has meaning. That they have made a difference. To stay humble and to realize we truly can do nothing apart from God is a hard thing to do.


I realized today that my pride has been growing as of late. The contributing factor: getting a pat on the back and liking it. My actions and deed-doings should be to bless others and God. Not so that I can be blessed. For a while, I didn't care if I did something and didn't get a 'thank you' because that wasn't why I did it... But as time has gone, I have grown accustomed to being thanked and praised for my deeds-done. I liked it. I thrived off of it. I see now that I allowed it to make me prideful. I stopped giving God the glory. 


In the past I have judged others on this very thing... Thinking to myself, "The only reason she's doing this is because she wants to be in the spotlight and get praised for a job well done." Harsh! Here I sit now, caught red handed with the same prideful heart! 


Why is it that we see our own faults in other people but can't see them in ourselves? 


At the end of the day I am thankful. Thankful to have a husband that leads by example and unknowingly made me realize I had stopped giving God the glory when I did something right. And I am thankful to have God-fearing friends who lovingly tell me the truth- if I am being an idiot or not. Thank Jesus for that.


Now I have knowledge and I recognize my sin. I intend to use the tools I have been given, and allow God to make a better me with more of an Ardent heart...

Conviction and Action

I have been bouncing all over the place. I feel like my weight should be reflecting my lack of discipline but I am thankful it hasn't..yet. Perhaps I am not doing as poorly as I think, but I know I am defiantly not where I need to be.

This blog was started to show the growth in myself. The growth of a women who desires an Ardent Heart. The thing I lack is consistency. Clearly- by the date shown on my last blog. Thankfully I have been pretty consistent in some other areas of my life this year. I have managed to loose 36lbs so far... I have been just as consistent with my daily devos. 

So I am not where I should be by this point, or where I thought I would be but I am on the right track so I can't complain about that. 

If you have read my Spark People blog you know that I struggle with my weight. Heck if you just look at me you know it! LOL! But a step further, you know that my outward appearance is a reflection of how I'm doing inwardly. Chances are if I'm loosing weight I'm doing great... If I'm gaining- my relationship with Jesus, is suffering.

So this is what I read this morning...

Phl 3:18 For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, [that they are] the enemies of the cross of Christ: Phl 3:19 whose end [is] destruction, whose god [is their] belly, and [whose] glory [is] in their shame--who set their mind on earthly things. Wait... What?! Did I just read this right? Who's GOD is their BELLY?! This isn't talking about me... is it? Yep- God you're right... Thats me... My idol is my belly. My food. I have a craving, a fleshly desire, and I MUST fill it. So what I am finding is that the bible talks a lot about gluttony- yet in our Christian community it's really not addressed. It's offensive. People don't want to be told they are fat and need to eat right and exercise some discipline. We talk about sex, drugs and alcohol being such horrible sins and a lifestyle that needs to be changed, but isn't the heart the same? For me it is. I am like any other addict. I justify it, I defend it, I fantasize about it, I'm depressed without it and the moment I get my fix- I'm happy. Just to start the cycle all over again. Did you know that 80% of American's that are obese are religious? And lets just be honest- If you look around.. it is rare to find a perfectly fit member. Is this something we all struggle with? No one talks about it... but from my fat tinted lenses- it is a struggle that is not being frowned on. It is an acceptable sin. Let's be disciplined! Let's be consistent! Let's take care of the things God has given us stewardship over! Let's take care of our bodies and not be the people Paul talks about in Philipians 3:18 This is my goal