Pride

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.


God has been showing me since I first became saved- how absolutely self-absorbed I am. Growing up, I dreamed of becoming an actress. At first, it was because of all the costumes and pretending. There were so many things I wanted to be, so I figured acting would be the perfect way to be all of them. Then as I got older, I wanted the spotlight and attention. 


Once I decided to seriously live for God, I had to leave everything worldly behind. I knew God was asking me to give up my dream and to follow Him. So I did. I still think about it though- I hate that. I think about how if I would have continued on my path... I would have been great at it. I think this when I become stagnant in my walk. Ultimately, I trust God has better plans.


I am the type of person who hates competition. I feel like if I know I won't win (or highly succeed) what's the point of trying. I am so 'all or nothing' in this way. There are many things I am ok at, many things I suck at, and few things I am great at. Yet even the things I do best, don't even compare to a lot of talent out there. So discouraging. 


Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to be the absolute best or nothing at all? God knew. He knows I have issues with pride. If I had become an actress I would be so arrogant. Especially if I were great at it. The irony is that arrogant people irritate me the most.


Learning this about myself so early in my walk really helped to prepare me for the years to come. But like everyone else, I am human and a sinner and I like to repeat history. So to be proactive: I would make sure I gave God the glory when someone complemented something I did. To the point of annoyance... but it helped engrave into my brain 'it's not me it's Him'- and kept me from getting to prideful. 


Everyone wants acknowledgment. Everyone wants to feel loved and feel that their existence has meaning. That they have made a difference. To stay humble and to realize we truly can do nothing apart from God is a hard thing to do.


I realized today that my pride has been growing as of late. The contributing factor: getting a pat on the back and liking it. My actions and deed-doings should be to bless others and God. Not so that I can be blessed. For a while, I didn't care if I did something and didn't get a 'thank you' because that wasn't why I did it... But as time has gone, I have grown accustomed to being thanked and praised for my deeds-done. I liked it. I thrived off of it. I see now that I allowed it to make me prideful. I stopped giving God the glory. 


In the past I have judged others on this very thing... Thinking to myself, "The only reason she's doing this is because she wants to be in the spotlight and get praised for a job well done." Harsh! Here I sit now, caught red handed with the same prideful heart! 


Why is it that we see our own faults in other people but can't see them in ourselves? 


At the end of the day I am thankful. Thankful to have a husband that leads by example and unknowingly made me realize I had stopped giving God the glory when I did something right. And I am thankful to have God-fearing friends who lovingly tell me the truth- if I am being an idiot or not. Thank Jesus for that.


Now I have knowledge and I recognize my sin. I intend to use the tools I have been given, and allow God to make a better me with more of an Ardent heart...