My eyes!

Dear hazel greens,

You have been a good set for the last 20 or so and I thank you for that. But I ask why now? Why have you failed me so? Are you lonely wanting frame companionship? Or maybe your just giving up on life and can't take the ugliness the world has shown you?

I have done right by you. I have given you tears when you were dry. I have given you glasses when you became weak. I have given you contacts to keep you cuddly. I have worn makeup to enhance your beauty.

And yet... you can not give back to me clear vision of more then 2 feet?

Now fate has let us here. Our dear frames were lost and we have no new contacts for cuddling. Now is your time to shine! Open up and see clearly now the rain has gone!

Work, Work, Work, Kid

I have come to the conclusion that I am probably the worst blogger ever. I write few and far between. But for those still paying attention... I want to be a Stay-At-Home Mommer!

OK SO, I went back to work. It's been, work. I have been doing my job but my heart is definitely else where. I am surprised to hear that I am doing a good job but I feel like I have no drive or focus. It has been distracting. I am very unbalanced. Needless to say we are praying about me going back to being at home.

The good news, we have paid off some major debts we owed. We still have debt, it's just not as bad. We were able to have a 1st Birthday Party for Adia and Corey's front tooth came out and we were able to pay to get that taken care of. But now, I am missing out on raising Adia. She is already a year old! if I count December, I have missed out on almost 4 months!

My goal is to be on fire for Jesus and if I am always distracted and stretched thin I don't commit to Him first. Lord help us to be diligent and obedient seeking you and your will daily!

Over and out,

Amanda

To work or not to work....

That is the question... Last month I took a temp job to help us out with our debt. Now they want to hire me. Anyone else would think this is a no-brainer. But for me, it's not.

I would be basically be having grandma raise grand-baby if I take this. Corey is graduating soon and his schedule will be crazy. Odds are, we wont see each other too often.

But if I take this I could pay off our debt and possibly save enough money for a down payment on a house. Who doesn't want a house? More importantly- who wants debt?

But the real question is... is this God's will for us?

My heart wants to stay at home with my daughter- but the sensible survey says, "Go to work, pay off debt, even buy a house!" I can commit to a few months to pay off debt- but then what? I know I will probably want more. (More $crilla that is).

I have workaholic tendencies. I can't do a good job unless I care about what I'm doing and if I care about what I'm doing, I can become obsessed. Do I really want to become obsessed about work at this point in my life? And if I'm obsessed with work guess what I'm not obsessed with- God.

It's a potentially harmless path- but there could be danger laying ahead.

Praying for an answer,
Amanda

The worst week ever!

So all week everyone has heard me say this has been the worst week ever and its true. I am sick again for the 4th time in 2 months and so is my baby Adia.

Then I fell down the stairs. I guess for people with stairs this is a regular thing but for me I lost it! I was so scared. As i was falling a million things ran through my mind... 'What if I get hurt?', 'How hurt will I be?', 'If I break my leg- who will take care of me?!', 'Who will take care of Adia?!' I was carrying blankets down to wash and one got under me. I messed up my foot pretty bad and was limping a few days but I think the worst part was thinking I was pregnant. I was soooo scared because I selfishly prayed that God would give me more time before I get pregnant again and then I go and fall down the stairs! Thank Jesus I am not and was not pregnant.

At the current time we have some debt- actually more then some- it needs to be paid off. So when my baby got a hold of my iphone and slobbered all over it I flipped out. It was only moments before my husband was due home from work and I was sick and miserable and needed a break. Then I notice my phone isn't working right and my husband Corey is calling to tell me he ran out of gas in San Mateo- 45 minutes away!

So he forgot his wallet and a friend comes to bail him out. He goes to start his car after filling up and guess what? You guessed it- it doesn't start. So he manages to get half way home by riding with a friend. While me and the baby get to sit in traffic, sick and cold, to go pick him up. Perfect time for me to stress about how we will get the money to get his car fixed. Praise God it turned out it was just his battery and he was able to fix it by himself. What a man!

So the cherry on top....

My daughter Adia is tired but she wont go to sleep. So like a wise mom does- I tell my husband to just let her cry in her crib for 20 minutes. If she is still crying we will get her but since shes so tired she will fall asleep by herself. So at one point it sounds like she fell asleep.

Corey goes to check on her and shes actually playing in her crib. She turned around- Corey was trying to be sly but was spotted! So he quickly comes back down stairs. She starts to cry again and soon after... starts whaling- screaming. I know this scream. I thought, "What if.... nah shes just mad cuz she knows we are here and not getting her." Corey cant take his little princess crying like this so he says to me, "I think its been 20 minutes." I know it hasn't, but i go up anyway.

As I make my way up I see my 8 month old baby girl crawling toward the door- just 4ft away from the stairs! I pick her up and she has blood dripping from her month! I just about threw up! How could this happen to my baby!? The truth is it can happen to anyone and it could have been SO much worse. There are a million things that could have went wrong. She could have broken her neck on the way down or fallen down the stairs if I didn't get her at that moment. She could have choked on something on our bedroom floor. So many could-haves that didn't.

We took her to the ER to get looked at. She stopped bleeding but I needed to be sure she was ok. She had a gash in her upper gums- no teeth yet, thank Jesus, or they'd be gone for sure. We came back home and I examined the crime scene. I thought she had climbed out and fell down. She can climb the stairs but I thought it was unlikely that she would climb out of the crib- or even that she could do it.

As I examined the Greco crib a compromised on for a 'good deal', I noticed that one side of the adjustable 3-in-1 panel was like a centimeter lower. I put my hand on it and sure enough the whole crib moves and that side moves down like its on springs. The scene showed some blood on the carpet- a laundry basket filled with blankets- just under a broken rail- with a blanket half way out of the crib.

I can only assume she was standing up and it unlocked. She lost balance and flipped out hitting her mouth/face and landing on the basket of blankets. Then rolled off onto the ground. I think the blanket slowed her fall assuming she was holding onto it for dear life. I feel so bad. But again Thank God it wasn't worse and it SO could have been.

I read the ratings about Greco. They always have recalls and they DO NOT have quality pieces. Accidents like this are always happening with this brand. I took a risk knowing this and got this crib. The only thing we could have done differently to prevent this from happening is to have NOT purchased this crib. It should have stayed locked and a baby should not have been able to unlock it and fall out. DO NOT BY GRECO PRODUCTS! Great week huh?

The start of ardent

Having, expressive of, or characterized by intense feeling; passionate; fervent: an ardent vow; Ardent love. Intensely devoted, eager, or enthusiastic; zealous: vehement; fierce:burning, fiery, or hot!

Ok so this heart isn't ardent yet, but I want it to be. I feel like somewhere along the way of rushing to get married, working for the man, and having a baby- I think I lost myself. Maybe it's vain to say but at one point I had an ardent heart. I wanted to live 100% for Jesus no matter how crazy I was perceived... I got even more fired up when I heard that people where talking crap about me and my 'Jesus freak' ways. But more importantly there was a light. A light that only God could produce residing inside of me. And it was obvious.

Not to say that I don't have the holy spirit inside of me now- I do, and will always. But my light has gone out. The fire is gone and it seems no one has been home for quite some time. I'll be the first to admit that I have been depressed and oblivious to everything going on around me. I put work first, TV, fun with friends, frivolous spending- and the most obvious- food, in front of everything.

These things took over my life and heart. I stopped caring about the people who meant most to me. I thought they still were important but I was oblivious. I thought God was still #1 but I was oblivious. Actions speak louder then thoughts and words and my actions were saying, 'I wanna live my life' and 'It's all about having fun and having things!'

AAAAHHHHHHHHH! WAKE UP! So I'm dreaming and I'm trying to wake myself up....